I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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