matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
