I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize