i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
