i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
