Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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