My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
