sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
