"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize