my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
