The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
