2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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