We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
