Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
