We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
