God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I need a beard to bite.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
