I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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