you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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