Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
