just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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