We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize