It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
