i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i dont even know how to be here
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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