Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
