my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
