everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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