Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
