you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
