there's paper in my vomit.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
