I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
