I got chris browned last night
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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