I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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