Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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