Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
