I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
