My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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