Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
