I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
