p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize