how can u be prego again
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
