I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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