i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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