There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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