Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
