I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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