Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
