My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
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