Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
