Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize