Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
