Old men and throwing up are my life now.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
