What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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