Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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