woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
oh god was she eating orange peels again
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
